Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Course heading... Two steps forward and one step back

A couple of years ago, our family attending its first American Sign Language (ASL) course. After learning that our youngest had permanent hearing loss in both ears, and facing the fact that her hearing could degrade in the future, we decided it was prudent to have her (and the rest of the family) begin to learn the language that may become her main mode of communication with us and the world around her.The course was split into adult classes and classes for kids, up to 12 years of age. At the time, everyone seemed to have a good time, and, even my two youngest, who were determined to have a "boring time" before they even walked through the doors, came out smiling each week.  It was an amazing experience and one that ignited a spark in me I hadn't had in many years.  That ASL class so long ago pushed me to learn ASL and to, eventually, I hope, become a sign language interpreter in the future.

I have since enrolled in a college Interpreter Training Program and managed to make it through several ASL language classes, finger spelling and number use classes and a basic Deaf culture class... all while keeping myself on the Dean's List, taking care of my family and holding down a, as of last fall, full-time job as a Para Educator in our local school district. Now that the basic ASL classes have been taken, the next level of classes will begin to focus more intensely on topics related to the Deaf community, its culture, interpreting, and the linguistics of the language itself.  They begin this fall with me taking Beginning Sign to Voice with an amazing teacher that I have already had the opportunity of learning from a year ago.

However, I'm petrified.

I have been having all the classic symptoms... nervous stomach, not sleeping well, heart palpitations, eating either too much or too little, and a fight or flight feeling that just won't seem to leave me alone.  Why all of a sudden do I feel inferior?  Is it something that I can't (or won't?) understand.

My initial reaction to all of this is SHIT.  My second reaction is DROP THE CLASS.  My third, and meekest (yet most persistent) of reactions is CHILL.  Then, I continue on my way, finishing up my current class and putting my panic out of my mind until another day.

I suppose that I am worried that I will fail, look stupid, seem old, or 'fill in blank here'.  All of these are a way of keeping me from leaving my comfortable little box where I tell myself this is all I can and will be.  I don't like that I tell myself these things.  It's defeating and stupid.  But, here I am.

So, tonight, I continue to worry about what is around the next corner and if I'll be able to handle the stress and uncertainty of the situation(s).  However, for the first time, I've taken the time to write about them and throw them out for the world to see.

Or... at least for those that care to read about them in the present.