Friday, October 22, 2010

Why now? Why trust?

Lately, I've been pondering why now a whole set of events that happened more than nine years ago has come back to haunt my days, nights and dreams. I'd thought that I'd dealt with the events at that moment in time and had moved on, claiming victory over my demons.

Alas, I guess I was wrong.

The events in question were traumatic, heart-wrenching and shook me to the very core of who I was back then. I'd never thought that these events could happen to me and when they did, I was sadly unprepared for my reactions. However, months of therapy and talking to clergy seemed to help and I moved on; or so I told myself. Unfortunately, a current friendship situation has brought these events back into the limelight, for what ever reason, and, once again, I am as unprepared as I was those many years ago.

I keep telling myself that events that are happening currently aren't exactly like the events of long ago. I also tell myself that individuals involved in these current events wouldn't do anything to hurt anyone and are intelligent enough to operate in an honest and upstanding manner. Why would they operate in any other way? That, unfortunately, is the tough question and one only these individuals can answer for themselves or anyone else. Hell, I, or anyone else for that matter, can't say that they are or aren't operating in anything but an upstanding manner! So... the real question is... To trust or not to trust.

Why trust?

Trust is an interesting thing. You can't see it, yet it is used everyday by everyone on the planet in some form or fashion. We trust that our alarm clock will ring at the time we tell it to. We trust that the sun will rise every day no matter what. We trust that the other people driving on the road are fully capable of doing so. We trust that our boss and co-workers will treat us fairly and respectfully. We trust our children to make good decisions when they are out of our eyesight and in the care of other individuals. We trust that our family and friends won't do anything to hurt us or the relationships that we entered into them with so lovingly and with great joy. We even trust any number of restaurants that the food they are serving is fresh and fit to eat. We trust because we have to... because we need to. It's part of our nature and part of how we interact with others. It's a necessary thing.

What happens when that trust is broken?

This is where the waters get murky. When trust is broken it can shake an individual to the core... like it did with me so very long ago. It makes trusting even harder the next time, and doesn't only affect the one who broke the trust but anyone that the person has to trust in the same situation in the future. Let's face it, trust, once broken, is hard to regain and even harder, it seems, to give. The saying, 'Once Bittten, Twice Shy' describes any mistrust situation perfectly. Trusting again, after being burned, takes a huge output of emotion and endless courage. A person has to go to their very core to determine if (1) they can forgive and (2) if they can ever forget. Sometimes, it can be a 'deal breaker'. At other times, it's a blip on a screen.

Demons. Can they be healed?

Mistrust breeds demons. Demons that steal your sleep and haunt you during your waking hours. They whisper in your ear and pop up in places that you least expect them. These demons are hard to slay and even harder to prevent from being born at all. I know this only because I have personally lived this once before, and now for whatever reason, am living it once again. Can these demons be healed? Does time really heal all wounds... even the emotional ones?

I'm hoping the answer to these questions is yes. After all, I have a life to live and to share with others.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Thinking

There I go, thinking again.

Thinking always gets me into trouble. It doesn't matter if it's thinking because I'm bored, thinking for work, thinking because I worry, thinking because I'm paranoid, thinking because I wonder or thinking about thinking; I ALWAYS get myself in trouble.

This morning, I was thinking about how well things were going today. Then I received a letter... and my thinking turned to hurt, frustration and mental exhaustion. I moved on to a trip to the vet to pick up more medicine for our ailing guinea pig, and began thinking again. I thought of how much money I'd spent on something so small and what I would do if I, indeed, needed to spend even more money. My thinking then turned to financial worry.

In between all the above thinking, I thought of how much housework I had to do at home and how messy things are. My thinking turned to embarrassment and of being overwhelmed. I moved on to many other things as I thought and thought and thought. Most of them either depressing me or overwhelming me in the end.

See, I told you thinking gets me in trouble.

So, how do I stop thinking, exactly? I've tied to empty my mind while meditating. I continually try and write my thoughts on paper to make room for more in my head. It seems to be a never ending process in which I am constantly behind.

Which led me to more thinking....