As I was re-reading my blog entries for 2010 a couple things dawned on me (well, hit me in the face, actually). 1. They were all regarding a certain set of events that have been happening in my life 2. They were very negative and painful.
During a meeting with our therapist a week and a half ago, he asked me if I viewed myself as a victim. I had immediately answered, "No, I don't think so." and moved along in the session. But, after I got home, and started taking a really good look at myself, I realized that, indeed, I did view myself this way. This disturbed me a great deal and, frankly, pissed me off as well! I DID NOT want to be a victim! How could I think this way? It was at that point, that I decided I was the only one holding myself back from being happy. It wasn't anyone else that was too blame. Yes, other individuals didn't help my happiness, but, they weren't preventing it.
This realization (and some well prescribed drugs) has helped me make a choice. I no longer want to be sad. It's exhausting and debilitating. I WANT to be happy! So, I've been trying to make the conscious choice each day to be happy. This isn't always easy but it's less draining that being sad.
Now, some make say that my medication is just 'fake happy' in a bottle. I don't believe that. My medicine helps me to weed out the irrational thoughts that pop into my head just when the rational thoughts decide to do something. It gives me a calm that is needed to analyze my thoughts, feelings and environment is such a way as to turn them into happiness for me in some form or fashion.
So, no victim, want happiness and huzzah for medication.
Seems to be my new mantra for November.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Thursday, November 04, 2010
All About Me
I've done a lot of soul-searching in the last several days. Some has been what I've expected and some, frankly, has surprised me. No matter, really, the important part is that I've been doing it.
No one person I know likes to take a long, hard look at themselves and analyze what they see. (It can be scarey and sometimes, down right mind-blowing!) To see one's flaws, failures, hopes, dreams, and accomplishments takes a large amount of emotional energy. It also takes quite a bit of time alone and writing (at least in my case).
So, what have I seen in myself, you may ask? I see a woman who loves her husband more than anything in the world (minus her children, of course). I see a woman who loves her children and would do anything she could possibly do to give them a safe, happy home in which they can thrive. I see a passionate person - one who, if she believes in something strongly enough, will go to the ends of the Earth to support it, help it, get it or love it. I see someone who loves animals. I see someone who likes to have friends and loves to talk (okay, no laughing or rolling eyes here). I see someone mildly attractive who doesn't always like how she looks but is willing to accept it (at least for the moment). I see a woman whose husband loves her and their children, who is willing to do anything he can to make them happy and safe, who works harder than any man I know to better his environment and himself and who hates to pick up cat puke off the floor. I also see a woman who has endured much emotional pain in her life. I see a woman who lost her mother to breast cancer and is terrified that the same thing will happen to her. I also see a woman who does not easily trust others and doesn't like to get 'too' close for fear of being hurt. I see someone who is naive, who is giving (sometimes to a fault), who usually thinks that there is a good side to everyone and who needs a thicker skin. I've also seen a woman who can be negative, controlling and stubborn.
So now what? What to do with all this information I've discovered about myself. My hope is that I will use it, reflect on it, grow it, fix it, change it and share it with and for those I love. The first person being myself.
I know that this is not the most profound of posts. I know that my writing is average at best. So what? I wasn't going for profound and I'm happy with what writing I can do. I need to be happy, or at least accepting, of all the things (and more) in the list above. To be frank, I need to be happy with me.
It's a long road. It's a hard road. It's a road I've traveled before and turned off of. It's road, however, that I must travel over and over again. The destination is important, of course; however, it's how we get there that means the most, ignites the soul, provides wisdom and understanding and makes it easier to get to the destination in the first place.
Will I ever get to my destination? Do I even know what my destination is? I see it as a likable me. One that I am happy with and enjoy sharing. One that is trusting, open and respectful. One that accepts people for who they are and what they can give... even if that is nothing at all.
It's a long trip, but I have my destination in mind, a vehicle in which to travel, a well-traveled road on which to ride and supporters on the sidelines cheering me on. It's time to pack my bags.
No one person I know likes to take a long, hard look at themselves and analyze what they see. (It can be scarey and sometimes, down right mind-blowing!) To see one's flaws, failures, hopes, dreams, and accomplishments takes a large amount of emotional energy. It also takes quite a bit of time alone and writing (at least in my case).
So, what have I seen in myself, you may ask? I see a woman who loves her husband more than anything in the world (minus her children, of course). I see a woman who loves her children and would do anything she could possibly do to give them a safe, happy home in which they can thrive. I see a passionate person - one who, if she believes in something strongly enough, will go to the ends of the Earth to support it, help it, get it or love it. I see someone who loves animals. I see someone who likes to have friends and loves to talk (okay, no laughing or rolling eyes here). I see someone mildly attractive who doesn't always like how she looks but is willing to accept it (at least for the moment). I see a woman whose husband loves her and their children, who is willing to do anything he can to make them happy and safe, who works harder than any man I know to better his environment and himself and who hates to pick up cat puke off the floor. I also see a woman who has endured much emotional pain in her life. I see a woman who lost her mother to breast cancer and is terrified that the same thing will happen to her. I also see a woman who does not easily trust others and doesn't like to get 'too' close for fear of being hurt. I see someone who is naive, who is giving (sometimes to a fault), who usually thinks that there is a good side to everyone and who needs a thicker skin. I've also seen a woman who can be negative, controlling and stubborn.
So now what? What to do with all this information I've discovered about myself. My hope is that I will use it, reflect on it, grow it, fix it, change it and share it with and for those I love. The first person being myself.
I know that this is not the most profound of posts. I know that my writing is average at best. So what? I wasn't going for profound and I'm happy with what writing I can do. I need to be happy, or at least accepting, of all the things (and more) in the list above. To be frank, I need to be happy with me.
It's a long road. It's a hard road. It's a road I've traveled before and turned off of. It's road, however, that I must travel over and over again. The destination is important, of course; however, it's how we get there that means the most, ignites the soul, provides wisdom and understanding and makes it easier to get to the destination in the first place.
Will I ever get to my destination? Do I even know what my destination is? I see it as a likable me. One that I am happy with and enjoy sharing. One that is trusting, open and respectful. One that accepts people for who they are and what they can give... even if that is nothing at all.
It's a long trip, but I have my destination in mind, a vehicle in which to travel, a well-traveled road on which to ride and supporters on the sidelines cheering me on. It's time to pack my bags.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Why now? Why trust?
Lately, I've been pondering why now a whole set of events that happened more than nine years ago has come back to haunt my days, nights and dreams. I'd thought that I'd dealt with the events at that moment in time and had moved on, claiming victory over my demons.
Alas, I guess I was wrong.
The events in question were traumatic, heart-wrenching and shook me to the very core of who I was back then. I'd never thought that these events could happen to me and when they did, I was sadly unprepared for my reactions. However, months of therapy and talking to clergy seemed to help and I moved on; or so I told myself. Unfortunately, a current friendship situation has brought these events back into the limelight, for what ever reason, and, once again, I am as unprepared as I was those many years ago.
I keep telling myself that events that are happening currently aren't exactly like the events of long ago. I also tell myself that individuals involved in these current events wouldn't do anything to hurt anyone and are intelligent enough to operate in an honest and upstanding manner. Why would they operate in any other way? That, unfortunately, is the tough question and one only these individuals can answer for themselves or anyone else. Hell, I, or anyone else for that matter, can't say that they are or aren't operating in anything but an upstanding manner! So... the real question is... To trust or not to trust.
Why trust?
Trust is an interesting thing. You can't see it, yet it is used everyday by everyone on the planet in some form or fashion. We trust that our alarm clock will ring at the time we tell it to. We trust that the sun will rise every day no matter what. We trust that the other people driving on the road are fully capable of doing so. We trust that our boss and co-workers will treat us fairly and respectfully. We trust our children to make good decisions when they are out of our eyesight and in the care of other individuals. We trust that our family and friends won't do anything to hurt us or the relationships that we entered into them with so lovingly and with great joy. We even trust any number of restaurants that the food they are serving is fresh and fit to eat. We trust because we have to... because we need to. It's part of our nature and part of how we interact with others. It's a necessary thing.
What happens when that trust is broken?
This is where the waters get murky. When trust is broken it can shake an individual to the core... like it did with me so very long ago. It makes trusting even harder the next time, and doesn't only affect the one who broke the trust but anyone that the person has to trust in the same situation in the future. Let's face it, trust, once broken, is hard to regain and even harder, it seems, to give. The saying, 'Once Bittten, Twice Shy' describes any mistrust situation perfectly. Trusting again, after being burned, takes a huge output of emotion and endless courage. A person has to go to their very core to determine if (1) they can forgive and (2) if they can ever forget. Sometimes, it can be a 'deal breaker'. At other times, it's a blip on a screen.
Demons. Can they be healed?
Mistrust breeds demons. Demons that steal your sleep and haunt you during your waking hours. They whisper in your ear and pop up in places that you least expect them. These demons are hard to slay and even harder to prevent from being born at all. I know this only because I have personally lived this once before, and now for whatever reason, am living it once again. Can these demons be healed? Does time really heal all wounds... even the emotional ones?
I'm hoping the answer to these questions is yes. After all, I have a life to live and to share with others.
Alas, I guess I was wrong.
The events in question were traumatic, heart-wrenching and shook me to the very core of who I was back then. I'd never thought that these events could happen to me and when they did, I was sadly unprepared for my reactions. However, months of therapy and talking to clergy seemed to help and I moved on; or so I told myself. Unfortunately, a current friendship situation has brought these events back into the limelight, for what ever reason, and, once again, I am as unprepared as I was those many years ago.
I keep telling myself that events that are happening currently aren't exactly like the events of long ago. I also tell myself that individuals involved in these current events wouldn't do anything to hurt anyone and are intelligent enough to operate in an honest and upstanding manner. Why would they operate in any other way? That, unfortunately, is the tough question and one only these individuals can answer for themselves or anyone else. Hell, I, or anyone else for that matter, can't say that they are or aren't operating in anything but an upstanding manner! So... the real question is... To trust or not to trust.
Why trust?
Trust is an interesting thing. You can't see it, yet it is used everyday by everyone on the planet in some form or fashion. We trust that our alarm clock will ring at the time we tell it to. We trust that the sun will rise every day no matter what. We trust that the other people driving on the road are fully capable of doing so. We trust that our boss and co-workers will treat us fairly and respectfully. We trust our children to make good decisions when they are out of our eyesight and in the care of other individuals. We trust that our family and friends won't do anything to hurt us or the relationships that we entered into them with so lovingly and with great joy. We even trust any number of restaurants that the food they are serving is fresh and fit to eat. We trust because we have to... because we need to. It's part of our nature and part of how we interact with others. It's a necessary thing.
What happens when that trust is broken?
This is where the waters get murky. When trust is broken it can shake an individual to the core... like it did with me so very long ago. It makes trusting even harder the next time, and doesn't only affect the one who broke the trust but anyone that the person has to trust in the same situation in the future. Let's face it, trust, once broken, is hard to regain and even harder, it seems, to give. The saying, 'Once Bittten, Twice Shy' describes any mistrust situation perfectly. Trusting again, after being burned, takes a huge output of emotion and endless courage. A person has to go to their very core to determine if (1) they can forgive and (2) if they can ever forget. Sometimes, it can be a 'deal breaker'. At other times, it's a blip on a screen.
Demons. Can they be healed?
Mistrust breeds demons. Demons that steal your sleep and haunt you during your waking hours. They whisper in your ear and pop up in places that you least expect them. These demons are hard to slay and even harder to prevent from being born at all. I know this only because I have personally lived this once before, and now for whatever reason, am living it once again. Can these demons be healed? Does time really heal all wounds... even the emotional ones?
I'm hoping the answer to these questions is yes. After all, I have a life to live and to share with others.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Thinking
There I go, thinking again.
Thinking always gets me into trouble. It doesn't matter if it's thinking because I'm bored, thinking for work, thinking because I worry, thinking because I'm paranoid, thinking because I wonder or thinking about thinking; I ALWAYS get myself in trouble.
This morning, I was thinking about how well things were going today. Then I received a letter... and my thinking turned to hurt, frustration and mental exhaustion. I moved on to a trip to the vet to pick up more medicine for our ailing guinea pig, and began thinking again. I thought of how much money I'd spent on something so small and what I would do if I, indeed, needed to spend even more money. My thinking then turned to financial worry.
In between all the above thinking, I thought of how much housework I had to do at home and how messy things are. My thinking turned to embarrassment and of being overwhelmed. I moved on to many other things as I thought and thought and thought. Most of them either depressing me or overwhelming me in the end.
See, I told you thinking gets me in trouble.
So, how do I stop thinking, exactly? I've tied to empty my mind while meditating. I continually try and write my thoughts on paper to make room for more in my head. It seems to be a never ending process in which I am constantly behind.
Which led me to more thinking....
Thinking always gets me into trouble. It doesn't matter if it's thinking because I'm bored, thinking for work, thinking because I worry, thinking because I'm paranoid, thinking because I wonder or thinking about thinking; I ALWAYS get myself in trouble.
This morning, I was thinking about how well things were going today. Then I received a letter... and my thinking turned to hurt, frustration and mental exhaustion. I moved on to a trip to the vet to pick up more medicine for our ailing guinea pig, and began thinking again. I thought of how much money I'd spent on something so small and what I would do if I, indeed, needed to spend even more money. My thinking then turned to financial worry.
In between all the above thinking, I thought of how much housework I had to do at home and how messy things are. My thinking turned to embarrassment and of being overwhelmed. I moved on to many other things as I thought and thought and thought. Most of them either depressing me or overwhelming me in the end.
See, I told you thinking gets me in trouble.
So, how do I stop thinking, exactly? I've tied to empty my mind while meditating. I continually try and write my thoughts on paper to make room for more in my head. It seems to be a never ending process in which I am constantly behind.
Which led me to more thinking....
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Just When....
Just when I think I have things figured out and I go reading other folks blogs, I find things were not as I believed and I start doubting, fretting and worrying.
Paranoia is a dangerous bed fellow. It creeps into your soul and never seems to let go. Things that seemed crystal clear begin to cloud and the landscape takes on a shape that is unfamiliar and frightening. This landscape is hard to negotiate and excruciatingly painful. It swallows energy and goodness at an alarming rate, causing all in its path to become disillusioned and confused. It is no way to walk through life.
My choices are few. Continue on this path at great detriment to myself and others or to turn the other cheek... play cheerful and stupid and pray. PRAY that the paranoia was and is only paranoia and not the early emotional warning that I think/thought it was.
This, is the conundrum. The question. The fight.
Is it all worth it? Yes, is my immediate thought. However, some days, I wonder if I'm right.
Paranoia is a dangerous bed fellow. It creeps into your soul and never seems to let go. Things that seemed crystal clear begin to cloud and the landscape takes on a shape that is unfamiliar and frightening. This landscape is hard to negotiate and excruciatingly painful. It swallows energy and goodness at an alarming rate, causing all in its path to become disillusioned and confused. It is no way to walk through life.
My choices are few. Continue on this path at great detriment to myself and others or to turn the other cheek... play cheerful and stupid and pray. PRAY that the paranoia was and is only paranoia and not the early emotional warning that I think/thought it was.
This, is the conundrum. The question. The fight.
Is it all worth it? Yes, is my immediate thought. However, some days, I wonder if I'm right.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
A False Ray of Sunshine
Today started out with me sleeping through my alarm. It moved on to me not being able to find the shirt that I 'really' wanted to wear, forcing me to pick something that made me overly warm most of the day. Things moved along (boys got out the door, daughter made it to the bus stop and I made it (finally) to work) and before long I was done with my work day and sat in my car feeling warm (think back to the shirt above) and disillusioned.
I moved on through my early afternoon by answering a text message wanting to know if a daily walk was still on (provided God didn't rain on our parade) and then headed out to get a soda before coming home and changing into my tennis shoes (think daily walk above). A 30 minute or so walk, much talk back and forth, some crying (on my part) and a dash to the middle school to pick up my oldest son after retrieving my middle son and daughter at the bus stop finished off the better part of the middle to late afternoon. Now, I'm just feeling confused, tired, overwhelmed, sad, a bit angry and a multitude of other emotions that I just can't seem to put my finger on.
My evening will include some form of dinner that I will need to think up, my oldest daughter coming home from her track meet and me trying to negotiate the evening without making anyone cry, get mad, go hungry or just plain fall apart in the process. I believe there is also supposed to be a trip to the music store to pick up my middle son's repaired viola.
I'm mildly numb emotionally. My head hurts as well as my heart. I've been fighting an emotional black hole for many days that seems to be leaving me exhausted and, at this point, seems to have no end in sight.
Well. Aren't I a ray of sunshine?
I moved on through my early afternoon by answering a text message wanting to know if a daily walk was still on (provided God didn't rain on our parade) and then headed out to get a soda before coming home and changing into my tennis shoes (think daily walk above). A 30 minute or so walk, much talk back and forth, some crying (on my part) and a dash to the middle school to pick up my oldest son after retrieving my middle son and daughter at the bus stop finished off the better part of the middle to late afternoon. Now, I'm just feeling confused, tired, overwhelmed, sad, a bit angry and a multitude of other emotions that I just can't seem to put my finger on.
My evening will include some form of dinner that I will need to think up, my oldest daughter coming home from her track meet and me trying to negotiate the evening without making anyone cry, get mad, go hungry or just plain fall apart in the process. I believe there is also supposed to be a trip to the music store to pick up my middle son's repaired viola.
I'm mildly numb emotionally. My head hurts as well as my heart. I've been fighting an emotional black hole for many days that seems to be leaving me exhausted and, at this point, seems to have no end in sight.
Well. Aren't I a ray of sunshine?
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
The Green Monster in the Room
Many moons ago, my marriage was a mess... not a small mess... not even a medium mess... a huge, crazy, chaotic, oh-my-gosh-I-need-a-divorce kind of mess. With the help of our minister, friends, family (sort of) and therapy we managed to regroup and carry on and have been able to stay married now for 15 years.
Unfortunately, the baggage that I thought had been unpacked and put away these many moons ago, wasn't. I truly believe that I knew this, inherently, somehow but just never paid much attention. I was distracted by life and conveniently believed that everything was better... even when... lurking in the darkness was the baggage ready to burst at the seams.
And burst it has.
My husband has chosen a good friend of mine to be friends with. They, unlike he and I (and even she and I), have many things in common: music, books, writing, philosophy and crystals. Yep, crystals. I have found myself becoming jealous of this new found friendship, even though she and I are friends. I now long for the "connection" (as my husband calls it - and that terminology doesn't make me feel ANY better by the way) that they have. I long for it to the point that I have become obsessed and jealous.
Now, I realize that jealousy is the green monster in the room. I know, logically, that jealousy will not help my already unsteady marriage become more balanced and calm. I know the green faced monster may be my undoing... but, yet, I wallow in self-pity and wonder to myself why me? Why again? Why now? Just... why?
Logically, my head says I'm irrational. Emotionally, I'm in pain... wanting to believe that everything is okay, while feeling that something is terribly wrong. What I want is for the world to leave me, my husband and my marriage alone... to let us repair, regroup and reconnect and let us take as long as we need WITHOUT throwing in stumbling blocks along the way.
However, I fear that the world does not have that in store for me; and all the crystals in the universe can't help slow the train that has left the station, destined for a place that I told myself I would never visit again.
I pray to be numb before we come to a screeching halt in the abyss, lest I lose more than my marriage in trip.
Unfortunately, the baggage that I thought had been unpacked and put away these many moons ago, wasn't. I truly believe that I knew this, inherently, somehow but just never paid much attention. I was distracted by life and conveniently believed that everything was better... even when... lurking in the darkness was the baggage ready to burst at the seams.
And burst it has.
My husband has chosen a good friend of mine to be friends with. They, unlike he and I (and even she and I), have many things in common: music, books, writing, philosophy and crystals. Yep, crystals. I have found myself becoming jealous of this new found friendship, even though she and I are friends. I now long for the "connection" (as my husband calls it - and that terminology doesn't make me feel ANY better by the way) that they have. I long for it to the point that I have become obsessed and jealous.
Now, I realize that jealousy is the green monster in the room. I know, logically, that jealousy will not help my already unsteady marriage become more balanced and calm. I know the green faced monster may be my undoing... but, yet, I wallow in self-pity and wonder to myself why me? Why again? Why now? Just... why?
Logically, my head says I'm irrational. Emotionally, I'm in pain... wanting to believe that everything is okay, while feeling that something is terribly wrong. What I want is for the world to leave me, my husband and my marriage alone... to let us repair, regroup and reconnect and let us take as long as we need WITHOUT throwing in stumbling blocks along the way.
However, I fear that the world does not have that in store for me; and all the crystals in the universe can't help slow the train that has left the station, destined for a place that I told myself I would never visit again.
I pray to be numb before we come to a screeching halt in the abyss, lest I lose more than my marriage in trip.
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