Monday, August 05, 2013

Where Do We Go From Here

I read his blog tonight.  I've been trying to keep up with it.  It's something that he'd asked me to do... because it's important to him.  The last update was Friday and the posts' contents were disheartening.

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He's unhappy.  Truthfully, we both are.  Ongoing interactions with me are out of necessity; whether it be household, kid, or intimacy related.  I continue to approach our relationship as a spouse (albeit sexuality is a problem) while he acts more like a roommate.  At times, I feel invisible; as if I were on another plane of existence.  It's a frustrating and lonely feeling.

A 'connection' between the two of us is gone... almost forgotten.  Bedtime, most nights, is approached without a "Good night," a peck on the cheek, or a hug.  Snuggles, spooning, whispers of, "I love you," or, "Good night," and kisses are rare before sleep takes over.  Feeling shut out and alone, sleeping somewhere else in the house would seem best; if it wouldn't seem odd to the kids.  Instead I lie awake, unable to sleep, wishing for things that seem as though they are unreachable.

Desire to repair our relationship and marriage is becoming more and more one sided.  Connecting with him again is something I want so badly; to become the couple that we want and need.  My feeble attempts at trying to connect seem to go unnoticed or ignored.  I wake up each day wondering how much longer our marriage will hold. I continue to ponder, "How did we get here?,"  "Were we just never meant to be?," "How can we fix this?," and "Is it too late?" to even attempt repair.

The numerous self-help books have done nothing for me, personally, or our relationship. I used to be so confident and sure of myself when we first met.  Years of dealing with family dysfunctionality (i.e. attitudes and behaviors) on both sides has taken its toll.  While, I don't know if ACA is the answer to our problems, I will make the effort; if it will some how keep us together. In truth, many of my current behaviors were learned from interacting with his family.  To blame me, now, for how they are affecting our marriage seems... mean.

Would divorce would be easier some how?  Maybe he thinks yes...  or maybe he thinks no.  But, being on our own, only seeing kids on designated days or weekends, dealing with child support, scheduling, and the possibility of interacting with new 'significant others' would only be the beginning of our problems... not the end that either of us might be hoping for.  I am 100% sure that I know that I only want him for my partner.  I love him and need him in my life.

Financially, both of us would struggle.  Supporting myself and three children on my current paycheck would be impossible.  My future would consist of a second job, dropping out of school, and the possibility of seeing less of our children.  This weighs heavily on my mind.  It isn't what I want.  It isn't ideal.  The amount of hurt and change involved is mind-numbing.  This is a road I want to avoid at all costs.

We have issues and can no longer hide them.  They affect our daily lives, our health, and our children.  Still, is the answer to give up on everything that was fought so hard to save and preserve?  The fight is difficult, long, and exhausting.  To me, the end result is worth it.  However, he seems checked out... done... gone.  How do I get him back?  How do we re-engage with each other again?

Maybe prayer is the answer.  Maybe more introspection on both our parts.  Whatever the fix... he needs to know that I'm hoping, praying, watching, reading and listening; even when he feels I'm not.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Course heading... Two steps forward and one step back

A couple of years ago, our family attending its first American Sign Language (ASL) course. After learning that our youngest had permanent hearing loss in both ears, and facing the fact that her hearing could degrade in the future, we decided it was prudent to have her (and the rest of the family) begin to learn the language that may become her main mode of communication with us and the world around her.The course was split into adult classes and classes for kids, up to 12 years of age. At the time, everyone seemed to have a good time, and, even my two youngest, who were determined to have a "boring time" before they even walked through the doors, came out smiling each week.  It was an amazing experience and one that ignited a spark in me I hadn't had in many years.  That ASL class so long ago pushed me to learn ASL and to, eventually, I hope, become a sign language interpreter in the future.

I have since enrolled in a college Interpreter Training Program and managed to make it through several ASL language classes, finger spelling and number use classes and a basic Deaf culture class... all while keeping myself on the Dean's List, taking care of my family and holding down a, as of last fall, full-time job as a Para Educator in our local school district. Now that the basic ASL classes have been taken, the next level of classes will begin to focus more intensely on topics related to the Deaf community, its culture, interpreting, and the linguistics of the language itself.  They begin this fall with me taking Beginning Sign to Voice with an amazing teacher that I have already had the opportunity of learning from a year ago.

However, I'm petrified.

I have been having all the classic symptoms... nervous stomach, not sleeping well, heart palpitations, eating either too much or too little, and a fight or flight feeling that just won't seem to leave me alone.  Why all of a sudden do I feel inferior?  Is it something that I can't (or won't?) understand.

My initial reaction to all of this is SHIT.  My second reaction is DROP THE CLASS.  My third, and meekest (yet most persistent) of reactions is CHILL.  Then, I continue on my way, finishing up my current class and putting my panic out of my mind until another day.

I suppose that I am worried that I will fail, look stupid, seem old, or 'fill in blank here'.  All of these are a way of keeping me from leaving my comfortable little box where I tell myself this is all I can and will be.  I don't like that I tell myself these things.  It's defeating and stupid.  But, here I am.

So, tonight, I continue to worry about what is around the next corner and if I'll be able to handle the stress and uncertainty of the situation(s).  However, for the first time, I've taken the time to write about them and throw them out for the world to see.

Or... at least for those that care to read about them in the present.


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Top 10 Things That Could Get You on the Local 11 o'clock News

10. Hang dehydrated apples, shaped like little shrunken heads, from your tree in the front yard.
9. Teach your dog how to roller blade in a crowded park.
8. Dress up like a bat and hang upside down in your neighbor's tree.
7. Learn how to yodel the Star Spangled Banner while drinking a glass of water.
6. Fish in your underwear at the local State park.
5. Run through the neighborhood naked throwing Skittles at passers by while you scream, "Taste the Rainbow!"
4. Stand in a fountain and yell, "Help! My fish is drowning!"
3. Ride a unicycle to work.
2. Dress up in a prison jumpsuit, stand at a busy corner and ask people for directions to the nearest Correctional facility.
1. Have children.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Just One More Pile of Dog Shit...

I think I'm just one more pile of dog shit from a breakdown. Yep, you heard it first from me, right here. Just thought I'd let you all know.

Uneasy feeling....

I've spent most of the last few days in a sense of uneasiness. Try as I may, it won't go away. This feeling has stayed with me the better part of a year, rearing it's head off and on. It consumes my head and my being until I can't function. Which is where I am now.

I have to interact with my kids and my mood and preoccupation gets in the way. It gets in the way of my marriage. It pushes it's way into work and after school activities and creates a cloud that follows me around, casting doubt and shadows in places they shouldn't be. Still, others with whom I choose to interact with decide that they are too busy, angry, sad or uneasy to interact with me back causing more uneasiness and confusion.

So, I sit in a an emotional hole. My anger builds. My patience shortens.

Monday, February 07, 2011

For now....

Today has started out dark and dreary... both in weather and with my emotional state. The last couple of days have been difficult for me for many reasons and I have been worn thin.

I wonder what the future holds for me as I try to get my head around many things that are happening in my life. For now, my crazy schedule, due to the plethora of kid activities, has me hopping. I wish I could say that the activities keep my mind from wandering to places it shouldn't go, but, they don't.

I need something. I don't know what. This is a problem.

I have a list of things I want to do. No resources to really do them right. I have a list of things that I am unhappy with or about. Most of the time, I don't have the energy to face them, let alone figure out a way to conquer or change them.

For now, I go to work, I come home and I do the best I can with what I have to work with. For now, this will have to be enough.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Little Moments

John: "Mrs. Jones, do you like children?"
Mrs. Jones: "Why, of course, John."
John: "Then why do you say mean things to them all the time."

Text books for learning, $300.
Salary for teacher, $52,000.
Teacher being busted about her attitude by a five year old, PRICELESS.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

As I was re-reading my blog entries for 2010 a couple things dawned on me (well, hit me in the face, actually). 1. They were all regarding a certain set of events that have been happening in my life 2. They were very negative and painful.

During a meeting with our therapist a week and a half ago, he asked me if I viewed myself as a victim. I had immediately answered, "No, I don't think so." and moved along in the session. But, after I got home, and started taking a really good look at myself, I realized that, indeed, I did view myself this way. This disturbed me a great deal and, frankly, pissed me off as well! I DID NOT want to be a victim! How could I think this way? It was at that point, that I decided I was the only one holding myself back from being happy. It wasn't anyone else that was too blame. Yes, other individuals didn't help my happiness, but, they weren't preventing it.

This realization (and some well prescribed drugs) has helped me make a choice. I no longer want to be sad. It's exhausting and debilitating. I WANT to be happy! So, I've been trying to make the conscious choice each day to be happy. This isn't always easy but it's less draining that being sad.

Now, some make say that my medication is just 'fake happy' in a bottle. I don't believe that. My medicine helps me to weed out the irrational thoughts that pop into my head just when the rational thoughts decide to do something. It gives me a calm that is needed to analyze my thoughts, feelings and environment is such a way as to turn them into happiness for me in some form or fashion.

So, no victim, want happiness and huzzah for medication.

Seems to be my new mantra for November.