Sunday, May 16, 2010

Just When....

Just when I think I have things figured out and I go reading other folks blogs, I find things were not as I believed and I start doubting, fretting and worrying.

Paranoia is a dangerous bed fellow. It creeps into your soul and never seems to let go. Things that seemed crystal clear begin to cloud and the landscape takes on a shape that is unfamiliar and frightening. This landscape is hard to negotiate and excruciatingly painful. It swallows energy and goodness at an alarming rate, causing all in its path to become disillusioned and confused. It is no way to walk through life.

My choices are few. Continue on this path at great detriment to myself and others or to turn the other cheek... play cheerful and stupid and pray. PRAY that the paranoia was and is only paranoia and not the early emotional warning that I think/thought it was.

This, is the conundrum. The question. The fight.

Is it all worth it? Yes, is my immediate thought. However, some days, I wonder if I'm right.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

A False Ray of Sunshine

Today started out with me sleeping through my alarm. It moved on to me not being able to find the shirt that I 'really' wanted to wear, forcing me to pick something that made me overly warm most of the day. Things moved along (boys got out the door, daughter made it to the bus stop and I made it (finally) to work) and before long I was done with my work day and sat in my car feeling warm (think back to the shirt above) and disillusioned.

I moved on through my early afternoon by answering a text message wanting to know if a daily walk was still on (provided God didn't rain on our parade) and then headed out to get a soda before coming home and changing into my tennis shoes (think daily walk above). A 30 minute or so walk, much talk back and forth, some crying (on my part) and a dash to the middle school to pick up my oldest son after retrieving my middle son and daughter at the bus stop finished off the better part of the middle to late afternoon. Now, I'm just feeling confused, tired, overwhelmed, sad, a bit angry and a multitude of other emotions that I just can't seem to put my finger on.

My evening will include some form of dinner that I will need to think up, my oldest daughter coming home from her track meet and me trying to negotiate the evening without making anyone cry, get mad, go hungry or just plain fall apart in the process. I believe there is also supposed to be a trip to the music store to pick up my middle son's repaired viola.

I'm mildly numb emotionally. My head hurts as well as my heart. I've been fighting an emotional black hole for many days that seems to be leaving me exhausted and, at this point, seems to have no end in sight.

Well. Aren't I a ray of sunshine?

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

The Green Monster in the Room

Many moons ago, my marriage was a mess... not a small mess... not even a medium mess... a huge, crazy, chaotic, oh-my-gosh-I-need-a-divorce kind of mess. With the help of our minister, friends, family (sort of) and therapy we managed to regroup and carry on and have been able to stay married now for 15 years.

Unfortunately, the baggage that I thought had been unpacked and put away these many moons ago, wasn't. I truly believe that I knew this, inherently, somehow but just never paid much attention. I was distracted by life and conveniently believed that everything was better... even when... lurking in the darkness was the baggage ready to burst at the seams.

And burst it has.

My husband has chosen a good friend of mine to be friends with. They, unlike he and I (and even she and I), have many things in common: music, books, writing, philosophy and crystals. Yep, crystals. I have found myself becoming jealous of this new found friendship, even though she and I are friends. I now long for the "connection" (as my husband calls it - and that terminology doesn't make me feel ANY better by the way) that they have. I long for it to the point that I have become obsessed and jealous.

Now, I realize that jealousy is the green monster in the room. I know, logically, that jealousy will not help my already unsteady marriage become more balanced and calm. I know the green faced monster may be my undoing... but, yet, I wallow in self-pity and wonder to myself why me? Why again? Why now? Just... why?

Logically, my head says I'm irrational. Emotionally, I'm in pain... wanting to believe that everything is okay, while feeling that something is terribly wrong. What I want is for the world to leave me, my husband and my marriage alone... to let us repair, regroup and reconnect and let us take as long as we need WITHOUT throwing in stumbling blocks along the way.

However, I fear that the world does not have that in store for me; and all the crystals in the universe can't help slow the train that has left the station, destined for a place that I told myself I would never visit again.

I pray to be numb before we come to a screeching halt in the abyss, lest I lose more than my marriage in trip.