As I was re-reading my blog entries for 2010 a couple things dawned on me (well, hit me in the face, actually). 1. They were all regarding a certain set of events that have been happening in my life 2. They were very negative and painful.

During a meeting with our therapist a week and a half ago, he asked me if I viewed myself as a victim. I had immediately answered, "No, I don't think so." and moved along in the session. But, after I got home, and started taking a really good look at myself, I realized that, indeed, I did view myself this way. This disturbed me a great deal and, frankly, pissed me off as well! I DID NOT want to be a victim! How could I think this way? It was at that point, that I decided I was the only one holding myself back from being happy. It wasn't anyone else that was too blame. Yes, other individuals didn't help my happiness, but, they weren't preventing it.

This realization (and some well prescribed drugs) has helped me make a choice. I no longer want to be sad. It's exhausting and debilitating. I WANT to be happy! So, I've been trying to make the conscious choice each day to be happy. This isn't always easy but it's less draining that being sad.

Now, some make say that my medication is just 'fake happy' in a bottle. I don't believe that. My medicine helps me to weed out the irrational thoughts that pop into my head just when the rational thoughts decide to do something. It gives me a calm that is needed to analyze my thoughts, feelings and environment is such a way as to turn them into happiness for me in some form or fashion.

So, no victim, want happiness and huzzah for medication.

Seems to be my new mantra for November.