As I was re-reading my blog entries for 2010 a couple things dawned on me (well, hit me in the face, actually). 1. They were all regarding a certain set of events that have been happening in my life 2. They were very negative and painful.
During a meeting with our therapist a week and a half ago, he asked me if I viewed myself as a victim. I had immediately answered, "No, I don't think so." and moved along in the session. But, after I got home, and started taking a really good look at myself, I realized that, indeed, I did view myself this way. This disturbed me a great deal and, frankly, pissed me off as well! I DID NOT want to be a victim! How could I think this way? It was at that point, that I decided I was the only one holding myself back from being happy. It wasn't anyone else that was too blame. Yes, other individuals didn't help my happiness, but, they weren't preventing it.
This realization (and some well prescribed drugs) has helped me make a choice. I no longer want to be sad. It's exhausting and debilitating. I WANT to be happy! So, I've been trying to make the conscious choice each day to be happy. This isn't always easy but it's less draining that being sad.
Now, some make say that my medication is just 'fake happy' in a bottle. I don't believe that. My medicine helps me to weed out the irrational thoughts that pop into my head just when the rational thoughts decide to do something. It gives me a calm that is needed to analyze my thoughts, feelings and environment is such a way as to turn them into happiness for me in some form or fashion.
So, no victim, want happiness and huzzah for medication.
Seems to be my new mantra for November.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Thursday, November 04, 2010
All About Me
I've done a lot of soul-searching in the last several days. Some has been what I've expected and some, frankly, has surprised me. No matter, really, the important part is that I've been doing it.
No one person I know likes to take a long, hard look at themselves and analyze what they see. (It can be scarey and sometimes, down right mind-blowing!) To see one's flaws, failures, hopes, dreams, and accomplishments takes a large amount of emotional energy. It also takes quite a bit of time alone and writing (at least in my case).
So, what have I seen in myself, you may ask? I see a woman who loves her husband more than anything in the world (minus her children, of course). I see a woman who loves her children and would do anything she could possibly do to give them a safe, happy home in which they can thrive. I see a passionate person - one who, if she believes in something strongly enough, will go to the ends of the Earth to support it, help it, get it or love it. I see someone who loves animals. I see someone who likes to have friends and loves to talk (okay, no laughing or rolling eyes here). I see someone mildly attractive who doesn't always like how she looks but is willing to accept it (at least for the moment). I see a woman whose husband loves her and their children, who is willing to do anything he can to make them happy and safe, who works harder than any man I know to better his environment and himself and who hates to pick up cat puke off the floor. I also see a woman who has endured much emotional pain in her life. I see a woman who lost her mother to breast cancer and is terrified that the same thing will happen to her. I also see a woman who does not easily trust others and doesn't like to get 'too' close for fear of being hurt. I see someone who is naive, who is giving (sometimes to a fault), who usually thinks that there is a good side to everyone and who needs a thicker skin. I've also seen a woman who can be negative, controlling and stubborn.
So now what? What to do with all this information I've discovered about myself. My hope is that I will use it, reflect on it, grow it, fix it, change it and share it with and for those I love. The first person being myself.
I know that this is not the most profound of posts. I know that my writing is average at best. So what? I wasn't going for profound and I'm happy with what writing I can do. I need to be happy, or at least accepting, of all the things (and more) in the list above. To be frank, I need to be happy with me.
It's a long road. It's a hard road. It's a road I've traveled before and turned off of. It's road, however, that I must travel over and over again. The destination is important, of course; however, it's how we get there that means the most, ignites the soul, provides wisdom and understanding and makes it easier to get to the destination in the first place.
Will I ever get to my destination? Do I even know what my destination is? I see it as a likable me. One that I am happy with and enjoy sharing. One that is trusting, open and respectful. One that accepts people for who they are and what they can give... even if that is nothing at all.
It's a long trip, but I have my destination in mind, a vehicle in which to travel, a well-traveled road on which to ride and supporters on the sidelines cheering me on. It's time to pack my bags.
No one person I know likes to take a long, hard look at themselves and analyze what they see. (It can be scarey and sometimes, down right mind-blowing!) To see one's flaws, failures, hopes, dreams, and accomplishments takes a large amount of emotional energy. It also takes quite a bit of time alone and writing (at least in my case).
So, what have I seen in myself, you may ask? I see a woman who loves her husband more than anything in the world (minus her children, of course). I see a woman who loves her children and would do anything she could possibly do to give them a safe, happy home in which they can thrive. I see a passionate person - one who, if she believes in something strongly enough, will go to the ends of the Earth to support it, help it, get it or love it. I see someone who loves animals. I see someone who likes to have friends and loves to talk (okay, no laughing or rolling eyes here). I see someone mildly attractive who doesn't always like how she looks but is willing to accept it (at least for the moment). I see a woman whose husband loves her and their children, who is willing to do anything he can to make them happy and safe, who works harder than any man I know to better his environment and himself and who hates to pick up cat puke off the floor. I also see a woman who has endured much emotional pain in her life. I see a woman who lost her mother to breast cancer and is terrified that the same thing will happen to her. I also see a woman who does not easily trust others and doesn't like to get 'too' close for fear of being hurt. I see someone who is naive, who is giving (sometimes to a fault), who usually thinks that there is a good side to everyone and who needs a thicker skin. I've also seen a woman who can be negative, controlling and stubborn.
So now what? What to do with all this information I've discovered about myself. My hope is that I will use it, reflect on it, grow it, fix it, change it and share it with and for those I love. The first person being myself.
I know that this is not the most profound of posts. I know that my writing is average at best. So what? I wasn't going for profound and I'm happy with what writing I can do. I need to be happy, or at least accepting, of all the things (and more) in the list above. To be frank, I need to be happy with me.
It's a long road. It's a hard road. It's a road I've traveled before and turned off of. It's road, however, that I must travel over and over again. The destination is important, of course; however, it's how we get there that means the most, ignites the soul, provides wisdom and understanding and makes it easier to get to the destination in the first place.
Will I ever get to my destination? Do I even know what my destination is? I see it as a likable me. One that I am happy with and enjoy sharing. One that is trusting, open and respectful. One that accepts people for who they are and what they can give... even if that is nothing at all.
It's a long trip, but I have my destination in mind, a vehicle in which to travel, a well-traveled road on which to ride and supporters on the sidelines cheering me on. It's time to pack my bags.
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