The Green Monster in the Room

Many moons ago, my marriage was a mess... not a small mess... not even a medium mess... a huge, crazy, chaotic, oh-my-gosh-I-need-a-divorce kind of mess. With the help of our minister, friends, family (sort of) and therapy we managed to regroup and carry on and have been able to stay married now for 15 years.

Unfortunately, the baggage that I thought had been unpacked and put away these many moons ago, wasn't. I truly believe that I knew this, inherently, somehow but just never paid much attention. I was distracted by life and conveniently believed that everything was better... even when... lurking in the darkness was the baggage ready to burst at the seams.

And burst it has.

My husband has chosen a good friend of mine to be friends with. They, unlike he and I (and even she and I), have many things in common: music, books, writing, philosophy and crystals. Yep, crystals. I have found myself becoming jealous of this new found friendship, even though she and I are friends. I now long for the "connection" (as my husband calls it - and that terminology doesn't make me feel ANY better by the way) that they have. I long for it to the point that I have become obsessed and jealous.

Now, I realize that jealousy is the green monster in the room. I know, logically, that jealousy will not help my already unsteady marriage become more balanced and calm. I know the green faced monster may be my undoing... but, yet, I wallow in self-pity and wonder to myself why me? Why again? Why now? Just... why?

Logically, my head says I'm irrational. Emotionally, I'm in pain... wanting to believe that everything is okay, while feeling that something is terribly wrong. What I want is for the world to leave me, my husband and my marriage alone... to let us repair, regroup and reconnect and let us take as long as we need WITHOUT throwing in stumbling blocks along the way.

However, I fear that the world does not have that in store for me; and all the crystals in the universe can't help slow the train that has left the station, destined for a place that I told myself I would never visit again.

I pray to be numb before we come to a screeching halt in the abyss, lest I lose more than my marriage in trip.