Navigating Rudeness

 I’m so tired. 

Just tired. 

Navigating rudeness is never ending and exasperating. 

After texting my ex-husband about taking our daughter to work tomorrow… I expected a response. Even if it was just “No”.  Instead, he texts my daughter.  For goodness sake, answer me. I know you don’t like me. But answer ME. It wasn’t our daughter who contacted you. It was me. 

Lord. 

/facepalm

I’m trying to co-parent the best I can giving many things. Work. With. Me. 

😒

Where Do We Go From Here

I read his blog tonight.  I've been trying to keep up with it.  It's something that he'd asked me to do... because it's important to him.  The last update was Friday and the posts' contents were disheartening.

~~~~

He's unhappy.  Truthfully, we both are.  Ongoing interactions with me are out of necessity; whether it be household, kid, or intimacy related.  I continue to approach our relationship as a spouse (albeit sexuality is a problem) while he acts more like a roommate.  At times, I feel invisible; as if I were on another plane of existence.  It's a frustrating and lonely feeling.

A 'connection' between the two of us is gone... almost forgotten.  Bedtime, most nights, is approached without a "Good night," a peck on the cheek, or a hug.  Snuggles, spooning, whispers of, "I love you," or, "Good night," and kisses are rare before sleep takes over.  Feeling shut out and alone, sleeping somewhere else in the house would seem best; if it wouldn't seem odd to the kids.  Instead I lie awake, unable to sleep, wishing for things that seem as though they are unreachable.

Desire to repair our relationship and marriage is becoming more and more one sided.  Connecting with him again is something I want so badly; to become the couple that we want and need.  My feeble attempts at trying to connect seem to go unnoticed or ignored.  I wake up each day wondering how much longer our marriage will hold. I continue to ponder, "How did we get here?,"  "Were we just never meant to be?," "How can we fix this?," and "Is it too late?" to even attempt repair.

The numerous self-help books have done nothing for me, personally, or our relationship. I used to be so confident and sure of myself when we first met.  Years of dealing with family dysfunctionality (i.e. attitudes and behaviors) on both sides has taken its toll.  While, I don't know if ACA is the answer to our problems, I will make the effort; if it will some how keep us together. In truth, many of my current behaviors were learned from interacting with his family.  To blame me, now, for how they are affecting our marriage seems... mean.

Would divorce would be easier some how?  Maybe he thinks yes...  or maybe he thinks no.  But, being on our own, only seeing kids on designated days or weekends, dealing with child support, scheduling, and the possibility of interacting with new 'significant others' would only be the beginning of our problems... not the end that either of us might be hoping for.  I am 100% sure that I know that I only want him for my partner.  I love him and need him in my life.

Financially, both of us would struggle.  Supporting myself and three children on my current paycheck would be impossible.  My future would consist of a second job, dropping out of school, and the possibility of seeing less of our children.  This weighs heavily on my mind.  It isn't what I want.  It isn't ideal.  The amount of hurt and change involved is mind-numbing.  This is a road I want to avoid at all costs.

We have issues and can no longer hide them.  They affect our daily lives, our health, and our children.  Still, is the answer to give up on everything that was fought so hard to save and preserve?  The fight is difficult, long, and exhausting.  To me, the end result is worth it.  However, he seems checked out... done... gone.  How do I get him back?  How do we re-engage with each other again?

Maybe prayer is the answer.  Maybe more introspection on both our parts.  Whatever the fix... he needs to know that I'm hoping, praying, watching, reading and listening; even when he feels I'm not.

Course heading... Two steps forward and one step back

A couple of years ago, our family attending its first American Sign Language (ASL) course. After learning that our youngest had permanent hearing loss in both ears, and facing the fact that her hearing could degrade in the future, we decided it was prudent to have her (and the rest of the family) begin to learn the language that may become her main mode of communication with us and the world around her.The course was split into adult classes and classes for kids, up to 12 years of age. At the time, everyone seemed to have a good time, and, even my two youngest, who were determined to have a "boring time" before they even walked through the doors, came out smiling each week.  It was an amazing experience and one that ignited a spark in me I hadn't had in many years.  That ASL class so long ago pushed me to learn ASL and to, eventually, I hope, become a sign language interpreter in the future.

I have since enrolled in a college Interpreter Training Program and managed to make it through several ASL language classes, finger spelling and number use classes and a basic Deaf culture class... all while keeping myself on the Dean's List, taking care of my family and holding down a, as of last fall, full-time job as a Para Educator in our local school district. Now that the basic ASL classes have been taken, the next level of classes will begin to focus more intensely on topics related to the Deaf community, its culture, interpreting, and the linguistics of the language itself.  They begin this fall with me taking Beginning Sign to Voice with an amazing teacher that I have already had the opportunity of learning from a year ago.

However, I'm petrified.

I have been having all the classic symptoms... nervous stomach, not sleeping well, heart palpitations, eating either too much or too little, and a fight or flight feeling that just won't seem to leave me alone.  Why all of a sudden do I feel inferior?  Is it something that I can't (or won't?) understand.

My initial reaction to all of this is SHIT.  My second reaction is DROP THE CLASS.  My third, and meekest (yet most persistent) of reactions is CHILL.  Then, I continue on my way, finishing up my current class and putting my panic out of my mind until another day.

I suppose that I am worried that I will fail, look stupid, seem old, or 'fill in blank here'.  All of these are a way of keeping me from leaving my comfortable little box where I tell myself this is all I can and will be.  I don't like that I tell myself these things.  It's defeating and stupid.  But, here I am.

So, tonight, I continue to worry about what is around the next corner and if I'll be able to handle the stress and uncertainty of the situation(s).  However, for the first time, I've taken the time to write about them and throw them out for the world to see.

Or... at least for those that care to read about them in the present.

Top 10 Things That Could Get You on the Local 11 o'clock News

10. Hang dehydrated apples, shaped like little shrunken heads, from your tree in the front yard.
9. Teach your dog how to roller blade in a crowded park.
8. Dress up like a bat and hang upside down in your neighbor's tree.
7. Learn how to yodel the Star Spangled Banner while drinking a glass of water.
6. Fish in your underwear at the local State park.
5. Run through the neighborhood naked throwing Skittles at passers by while you scream, "Taste the Rainbow!"
4. Stand in a fountain and yell, "Help! My fish is drowning!"
3. Ride a unicycle to work.
2. Dress up in a prison jumpsuit, stand at a busy corner and ask people for directions to the nearest Correctional facility.
1. Have children.

Just One More Pile of Dog Shit...

I think I'm just one more pile of dog shit from a breakdown. Yep, you heard it first from me, right here. Just thought I'd let you all know.

Uneasy feeling....

I've spent most of the last few days in a sense of uneasiness. Try as I may, it won't go away. This feeling has stayed with me the better part of a year, rearing it's head off and on. It consumes my head and my being until I can't function. Which is where I am now.

I have to interact with my kids and my mood and preoccupation gets in the way. It gets in the way of my marriage. It pushes it's way into work and after school activities and creates a cloud that follows me around, casting doubt and shadows in places they shouldn't be. Still, others with whom I choose to interact with decide that they are too busy, angry, sad or uneasy to interact with me back causing more uneasiness and confusion.

So, I sit in a an emotional hole. My anger builds. My patience shortens.

For now....

Today has started out dark and dreary... both in weather and with my emotional state. The last couple of days have been difficult for me for many reasons and I have been worn thin.

I wonder what the future holds for me as I try to get my head around many things that are happening in my life. For now, my crazy schedule, due to the plethora of kid activities, has me hopping. I wish I could say that the activities keep my mind from wandering to places it shouldn't go, but, they don't.

I need something. I don't know what. This is a problem.

I have a list of things I want to do. No resources to really do them right. I have a list of things that I am unhappy with or about. Most of the time, I don't have the energy to face them, let alone figure out a way to conquer or change them.

For now, I go to work, I come home and I do the best I can with what I have to work with. For now, this will have to be enough.

Little Moments

John: "Mrs. Jones, do you like children?"
Mrs. Jones: "Why, of course, John."
John: "Then why do you say mean things to them all the time."

Text books for learning, $300.
Salary for teacher, $52,000.
Teacher being busted about her attitude by a five year old, PRICELESS.

As I was re-reading my blog entries for 2010 a couple things dawned on me (well, hit me in the face, actually). 1. They were all regarding a certain set of events that have been happening in my life 2. They were very negative and painful.

During a meeting with our therapist a week and a half ago, he asked me if I viewed myself as a victim. I had immediately answered, "No, I don't think so." and moved along in the session. But, after I got home, and started taking a really good look at myself, I realized that, indeed, I did view myself this way. This disturbed me a great deal and, frankly, pissed me off as well! I DID NOT want to be a victim! How could I think this way? It was at that point, that I decided I was the only one holding myself back from being happy. It wasn't anyone else that was too blame. Yes, other individuals didn't help my happiness, but, they weren't preventing it.

This realization (and some well prescribed drugs) has helped me make a choice. I no longer want to be sad. It's exhausting and debilitating. I WANT to be happy! So, I've been trying to make the conscious choice each day to be happy. This isn't always easy but it's less draining that being sad.

Now, some make say that my medication is just 'fake happy' in a bottle. I don't believe that. My medicine helps me to weed out the irrational thoughts that pop into my head just when the rational thoughts decide to do something. It gives me a calm that is needed to analyze my thoughts, feelings and environment is such a way as to turn them into happiness for me in some form or fashion.

So, no victim, want happiness and huzzah for medication.

Seems to be my new mantra for November.

All About Me

I've done a lot of soul-searching in the last several days. Some has been what I've expected and some, frankly, has surprised me. No matter, really, the important part is that I've been doing it.

No one person I know likes to take a long, hard look at themselves and analyze what they see. (It can be scarey and sometimes, down right mind-blowing!) To see one's flaws, failures, hopes, dreams, and accomplishments takes a large amount of emotional energy. It also takes quite a bit of time alone and writing (at least in my case).

So, what have I seen in myself, you may ask? I see a woman who loves her husband more than anything in the world (minus her children, of course). I see a woman who loves her children and would do anything she could possibly do to give them a safe, happy home in which they can thrive. I see a passionate person - one who, if she believes in something strongly enough, will go to the ends of the Earth to support it, help it, get it or love it. I see someone who loves animals. I see someone who likes to have friends and loves to talk (okay, no laughing or rolling eyes here). I see someone mildly attractive who doesn't always like how she looks but is willing to accept it (at least for the moment). I see a woman whose husband loves her and their children, who is willing to do anything he can to make them happy and safe, who works harder than any man I know to better his environment and himself and who hates to pick up cat puke off the floor. I also see a woman who has endured much emotional pain in her life. I see a woman who lost her mother to breast cancer and is terrified that the same thing will happen to her. I also see a woman who does not easily trust others and doesn't like to get 'too' close for fear of being hurt. I see someone who is naive, who is giving (sometimes to a fault), who usually thinks that there is a good side to everyone and who needs a thicker skin. I've also seen a woman who can be negative, controlling and stubborn.

So now what? What to do with all this information I've discovered about myself. My hope is that I will use it, reflect on it, grow it, fix it, change it and share it with and for those I love. The first person being myself.

I know that this is not the most profound of posts. I know that my writing is average at best. So what? I wasn't going for profound and I'm happy with what writing I can do. I need to be happy, or at least accepting, of all the things (and more) in the list above. To be frank, I need to be happy with me.

It's a long road. It's a hard road. It's a road I've traveled before and turned off of. It's road, however, that I must travel over and over again. The destination is important, of course; however, it's how we get there that means the most, ignites the soul, provides wisdom and understanding and makes it easier to get to the destination in the first place.

Will I ever get to my destination? Do I even know what my destination is? I see it as a likable me. One that I am happy with and enjoy sharing. One that is trusting, open and respectful. One that accepts people for who they are and what they can give... even if that is nothing at all.

It's a long trip, but I have my destination in mind, a vehicle in which to travel, a well-traveled road on which to ride and supporters on the sidelines cheering me on. It's time to pack my bags.

Why now? Why trust?

Lately, I've been pondering why now a whole set of events that happened more than nine years ago has come back to haunt my days, nights and dreams. I'd thought that I'd dealt with the events at that moment in time and had moved on, claiming victory over my demons.

Alas, I guess I was wrong.

The events in question were traumatic, heart-wrenching and shook me to the very core of who I was back then. I'd never thought that these events could happen to me and when they did, I was sadly unprepared for my reactions. However, months of therapy and talking to clergy seemed to help and I moved on; or so I told myself. Unfortunately, a current friendship situation has brought these events back into the limelight, for what ever reason, and, once again, I am as unprepared as I was those many years ago.

I keep telling myself that events that are happening currently aren't exactly like the events of long ago. I also tell myself that individuals involved in these current events wouldn't do anything to hurt anyone and are intelligent enough to operate in an honest and upstanding manner. Why would they operate in any other way? That, unfortunately, is the tough question and one only these individuals can answer for themselves or anyone else. Hell, I, or anyone else for that matter, can't say that they are or aren't operating in anything but an upstanding manner! So... the real question is... To trust or not to trust.

Why trust?

Trust is an interesting thing. You can't see it, yet it is used everyday by everyone on the planet in some form or fashion. We trust that our alarm clock will ring at the time we tell it to. We trust that the sun will rise every day no matter what. We trust that the other people driving on the road are fully capable of doing so. We trust that our boss and co-workers will treat us fairly and respectfully. We trust our children to make good decisions when they are out of our eyesight and in the care of other individuals. We trust that our family and friends won't do anything to hurt us or the relationships that we entered into them with so lovingly and with great joy. We even trust any number of restaurants that the food they are serving is fresh and fit to eat. We trust because we have to... because we need to. It's part of our nature and part of how we interact with others. It's a necessary thing.

What happens when that trust is broken?

This is where the waters get murky. When trust is broken it can shake an individual to the core... like it did with me so very long ago. It makes trusting even harder the next time, and doesn't only affect the one who broke the trust but anyone that the person has to trust in the same situation in the future. Let's face it, trust, once broken, is hard to regain and even harder, it seems, to give. The saying, 'Once Bittten, Twice Shy' describes any mistrust situation perfectly. Trusting again, after being burned, takes a huge output of emotion and endless courage. A person has to go to their very core to determine if (1) they can forgive and (2) if they can ever forget. Sometimes, it can be a 'deal breaker'. At other times, it's a blip on a screen.

Demons. Can they be healed?

Mistrust breeds demons. Demons that steal your sleep and haunt you during your waking hours. They whisper in your ear and pop up in places that you least expect them. These demons are hard to slay and even harder to prevent from being born at all. I know this only because I have personally lived this once before, and now for whatever reason, am living it once again. Can these demons be healed? Does time really heal all wounds... even the emotional ones?

I'm hoping the answer to these questions is yes. After all, I have a life to live and to share with others.

Thinking

There I go, thinking again.

Thinking always gets me into trouble. It doesn't matter if it's thinking because I'm bored, thinking for work, thinking because I worry, thinking because I'm paranoid, thinking because I wonder or thinking about thinking; I ALWAYS get myself in trouble.

This morning, I was thinking about how well things were going today. Then I received a letter... and my thinking turned to hurt, frustration and mental exhaustion. I moved on to a trip to the vet to pick up more medicine for our ailing guinea pig, and began thinking again. I thought of how much money I'd spent on something so small and what I would do if I, indeed, needed to spend even more money. My thinking then turned to financial worry.

In between all the above thinking, I thought of how much housework I had to do at home and how messy things are. My thinking turned to embarrassment and of being overwhelmed. I moved on to many other things as I thought and thought and thought. Most of them either depressing me or overwhelming me in the end.

See, I told you thinking gets me in trouble.

So, how do I stop thinking, exactly? I've tied to empty my mind while meditating. I continually try and write my thoughts on paper to make room for more in my head. It seems to be a never ending process in which I am constantly behind.

Which led me to more thinking....

Just When....

Just when I think I have things figured out and I go reading other folks blogs, I find things were not as I believed and I start doubting, fretting and worrying.

Paranoia is a dangerous bed fellow. It creeps into your soul and never seems to let go. Things that seemed crystal clear begin to cloud and the landscape takes on a shape that is unfamiliar and frightening. This landscape is hard to negotiate and excruciatingly painful. It swallows energy and goodness at an alarming rate, causing all in its path to become disillusioned and confused. It is no way to walk through life.

My choices are few. Continue on this path at great detriment to myself and others or to turn the other cheek... play cheerful and stupid and pray. PRAY that the paranoia was and is only paranoia and not the early emotional warning that I think/thought it was.

This, is the conundrum. The question. The fight.

Is it all worth it? Yes, is my immediate thought. However, some days, I wonder if I'm right.

A False Ray of Sunshine

Today started out with me sleeping through my alarm. It moved on to me not being able to find the shirt that I 'really' wanted to wear, forcing me to pick something that made me overly warm most of the day. Things moved along (boys got out the door, daughter made it to the bus stop and I made it (finally) to work) and before long I was done with my work day and sat in my car feeling warm (think back to the shirt above) and disillusioned.

I moved on through my early afternoon by answering a text message wanting to know if a daily walk was still on (provided God didn't rain on our parade) and then headed out to get a soda before coming home and changing into my tennis shoes (think daily walk above). A 30 minute or so walk, much talk back and forth, some crying (on my part) and a dash to the middle school to pick up my oldest son after retrieving my middle son and daughter at the bus stop finished off the better part of the middle to late afternoon. Now, I'm just feeling confused, tired, overwhelmed, sad, a bit angry and a multitude of other emotions that I just can't seem to put my finger on.

My evening will include some form of dinner that I will need to think up, my oldest daughter coming home from her track meet and me trying to negotiate the evening without making anyone cry, get mad, go hungry or just plain fall apart in the process. I believe there is also supposed to be a trip to the music store to pick up my middle son's repaired viola.

I'm mildly numb emotionally. My head hurts as well as my heart. I've been fighting an emotional black hole for many days that seems to be leaving me exhausted and, at this point, seems to have no end in sight.

Well. Aren't I a ray of sunshine?

The Green Monster in the Room

Many moons ago, my marriage was a mess... not a small mess... not even a medium mess... a huge, crazy, chaotic, oh-my-gosh-I-need-a-divorce kind of mess. With the help of our minister, friends, family (sort of) and therapy we managed to regroup and carry on and have been able to stay married now for 15 years.

Unfortunately, the baggage that I thought had been unpacked and put away these many moons ago, wasn't. I truly believe that I knew this, inherently, somehow but just never paid much attention. I was distracted by life and conveniently believed that everything was better... even when... lurking in the darkness was the baggage ready to burst at the seams.

And burst it has.

My husband has chosen a good friend of mine to be friends with. They, unlike he and I (and even she and I), have many things in common: music, books, writing, philosophy and crystals. Yep, crystals. I have found myself becoming jealous of this new found friendship, even though she and I are friends. I now long for the "connection" (as my husband calls it - and that terminology doesn't make me feel ANY better by the way) that they have. I long for it to the point that I have become obsessed and jealous.

Now, I realize that jealousy is the green monster in the room. I know, logically, that jealousy will not help my already unsteady marriage become more balanced and calm. I know the green faced monster may be my undoing... but, yet, I wallow in self-pity and wonder to myself why me? Why again? Why now? Just... why?

Logically, my head says I'm irrational. Emotionally, I'm in pain... wanting to believe that everything is okay, while feeling that something is terribly wrong. What I want is for the world to leave me, my husband and my marriage alone... to let us repair, regroup and reconnect and let us take as long as we need WITHOUT throwing in stumbling blocks along the way.

However, I fear that the world does not have that in store for me; and all the crystals in the universe can't help slow the train that has left the station, destined for a place that I told myself I would never visit again.

I pray to be numb before we come to a screeching halt in the abyss, lest I lose more than my marriage in trip.

Dogs Are Family Too

I sit here in the wee hours of the morning thinking about my dogs. Yep, you heard me right, my dogs.

My handsome spouse and I have two canines... one old and one almost middle-aged (at least in dog years). The old one, Baron, is a lab/pitbull mix. He's buff in color (considered yellow on the days he does something wrong and gold on the days he doesn't) with a graying muzzle, cloudy eyes and arthritic hips. The middle-aged one, Delilah, is a full bred Beagle. She's tri-color with perky ears, bright brown eyes, a wagging tail and a snout that could lead her to Wyoming in a heart-beat if she ever got out of the yard unnoticed. Both our fuzzy children are equally important, equally loved and a part of our wonderful family.

However... Our darling Baron, who will turn fifteen on July 5th, has become a bit of work. He currently has better drugs than either my husband or I put together; all in the name of helping his arthritic joints do things they can't any more. He has a hard time walking, let alone going down our steps to enter the backyard to do his business. Many times, our children will yell from the yard, doorway, livingroom, diningroom etc that the dog has fallen and needs help. In zooms either myself or my husband and we pick up the dog's rear, depositing him, once again, on his feet only to watch as he hobbles off to do what it is he wanted to do; wondering if we should go back to what we were doing or follow him... in case he falls again.

My point, if there is one, in all this banter is that no one ever knows when it's 'that time'. 'That time' meaning the point at which a pet owner has to make the decision of whether their beloved family member is suffering and needs to be euthanized. I had to make a decision, such as this one, with our cat Tiberius in the Fall of '07. It wasn't a pretty situation and it was a bit more cut and dried than the one I am describing above. The poor kitty wasn't eating and was beyond help (as our vet so kindly put it). So, I made the call to put kitty out of his misery. I told the kids of my decision through tears and grit teeth and watched as, later on that evening, the vet put my cat to sleep in my arms. It was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. Until my mom. I also had to make a similar decision (this time with my father by my side) when my mom began to lose her battle with Stage IV breast cancer in May of '08. Now, I know you're thinking... "How the hell can you compare your dog to your mom?!" Of course mom is more important and the decision was more involved, but it was still relatively the same.

However, is my dog any less loved than my mother? No.

What also complicates the matter is my husband and Baron are attached. They are attached emotionally as any dog and human can get. My husband grunts and woofs to the dog as they sit on the couch with one another and Baron grunts and woofs back. I watch as Lincoln cleans up after the dog, patting him on the head when he's done; takes the dog outside to sit in the yard while he works in the garage; hoists his rear end up, once more, when he's fallen; and lovingly calls him a golden dog (even when he's really been more yellow).

When is it 'that time' for my fifteen year old dog? I don't really know the answer. But, I do know that when it comes, I'll do my best to be there for my family, especially my husband. In the meantime, I'll hoist, pick up and clean.

I mean, dogs are family too.

How Hard Can it Be... Being a Mom?

How hard can it be... being a mom?

A very interesting question, and one that I asked myself over and over and over and OVER again when I was younger. My mom did it. Her mom did it. Her mom did it. And, you guessed it, HER mom did it. So, I asked myself as I looked at the little pink double line on the pregnancy test almost 10 years ago, "How are can it be... being a mom?"

Well...

• It's hard to be a mom when you have no instructions. I mean, let's face it. You go to the hospital, you get to experience an enormous amount of pain, they keep you two days to make sure you aren't going to die and then the hospital staff sends you home with a newborn. YOUR newborn. Good gracious people! What are you thinking?

• It's hard to be a mom when you HAVE instructions. 'What to Expect When Your Expecting', 'The First 12 Months', 'The Toddler Years'... Ok, I don't need BOOKS people, I need HELP! H - E - L - P !

• It's hard to be a mom when the first word your child says is, "Da da." WHAT!? *Goes back to birth scenario in bullet #1*

• It's hard to be a mom when your child walks for the first time. We've all been there. Well, just about all of us. Your child takes that first step and TA DA; they're mobile. Yep. Mobile. Nothing like the Fear of God hitting you right then and there.

• It's hard to be a mom when they're sick. Whining, coughing, wheezing, sneezing, sniffling, gagging, hurling, sweating, crying, writhing and aching kind of sick. I'll bet I've been thrown up on more than you have.
  

• It's hard to be a mom when they're bored. "Mommy, I'm bored." "I know." "But, I'm BORED." "I know." "But...." *sigh* "Wanna go for ice cream?"

• It's hard when the go to school for the first time. I was a mess. Yep, a mess. Here was my little Anthony with a back pack bigger than he was, heading off to school with the 'big kids'. My heart was in my throat and my stomach was churning. And guess what? Brendan? Same feelings. Sophia? She's heading to Kindergarten in the fall. *I think I may hurl.*

• It's hard to be a mom when your kids ride their bikes to a friends house, ALONE, for the first time. "Call me when you get there." "Right." "Remember, don't talk to strangers." "Right." "What happens if a stranger talks to you?" "Don't talk to them." "What else?" *pause* "Keep riding?" "Right. What if he/she follows you?" "Keep riding... only faster?" "Right. What if --" "Never mind, Mom, I think I'll stay home."

• It's hard to be a mom when your daughter paints her toenails... with a sharpie. *Sigh. Need I say more?*

So... you can sort of get my drift here. No one TOLD me that it would be this hard. No one explained the rules.

Of course, no one COULD tell me it would be this hard. No one COULD explain the rules.

Then again, no one could imagine how much love I have for my children each and every day they're around.

They're my babies.

MAD AS HELL AND NO ONE TO BITCH TO

How's THAT for a title?! Can you tell it's been one of those evenings where everything that you wanted to go right just.... didn't?

Wanted to spend more time with the kids before they went to bed... didn't.
Wanted to do more laundry and get caught up... didn't.
Wanted to clean the kitchen... didn't.
Wanted to go to the IKEA store... didn't.
Wanted to go to Meijer's... didn't.
Wanted to pick up the living room... didn't.
Wanted to clean out the truck and vacuum... didn't.
Wanted (well, HAD) to clean out the cat box... didn't.
Wanted to clean up after dinner... didn't.
Wanted to take out the garbage... didn't.
Wanted to be in a better mood... won't.
Wanted to want to... don't.
Wanted to be told it will all be better in the morning... wasn't.
Wanted to bitch to a live person... can't.
Wanted to have a good day... didn't.

So, now that I've filled up the screen with, "Woe is me, I gotta poopy diaper" attitude I'll say good-bye and good night in hopes that tomorrow will be better than today.

We Are Family

So, here we are (from left to right) Lincoln, Brendan, Anthony, Me and Sophia.

The picture was taken at our church's 100th anniversary luncheon in early June.

Ten Ways to Give Your Cat A Nervous Breakdown

10. Remove all clothing from flat surfaces so that they have to sleep in their cat bed.
9. Yell, "Here Kitty, Kitty!" while standing next to the tub as it's filling full of water.
8. Buy a rottweiller.
7. Let six four year olds in the house and tell them the cat loves to play.
6. Apply collar and leash to their neck and yell, "Sit Ooboo, Sit!"
5. Tape a dog barking and replay it on a taperecorder in the house.
4. Buy a laser pointer and let the cat chase the red 'dot' on the floor.
3. Leave open boxes and paperbags all over your house.
2. Buy babydoll dress up clothes and give them to your four year old daughter.
1. Accidentally shut your cat in the dryer and turn it to the fluff cycle.